Man vs Wild

After spending two weeks in the Holden Village kitchen, Lorimer and his mates got an unexpected call. He and his friends Sam and Thomas had made the short-list for a new reality TV series documenting human survival in the wild.


Lorimer spent his next kitchen shift organizing a 'special meal' for his friends to celebrate. The special meal worked a treat and soon the short-list became even shorter...


Being found the only candidate worthy, (aka alive) Lorimer was selected to appear on the show. He was flown to Alaska where he went into training with some local lumberjacks. Andrew was amazed when he saw they could "do this thing where they hit pieces of wood a bunch of times and they would split in half".


He was even shown how to decapitate a log by throwing an axe at it. Andrew attempt ended in splitting not logs but the sides of those in the crowd who watched on as he struggled to lift the axe. "That event's not much chop anyway" he later commented to the media.


That red thing used to be Chuck Norris' head! Norris was mouthing off in the audience so the Lumberjack crushed him in his hand. RIP Chuck.

After the intense training Lorimer was dropped in Talkeetna, Alaska, where he had to survive two weeks in the wilderness. His journey was to be documented and aired as a new version of Man Vs Wild. The show was AXED almost immediately when Lorimer was seen running away from a squirrel.


This dealt a huge blow to Lorimer manhood who decided to prove himself in the Alaskan wilderness. His first target, a moose!


Andrew ventured into the back-country and spotted one, happily munching on weeds. Hoping to catch her attention, Lorimer threw a rock, landing only inches away. The moose didn't flinch, ignoring the pitiful attempts to get her to look at the camera and be "Shot".

Andrew shouted something nasty at the moose before leaving and then sent the above photo in to the local paper with an article he'd pre-written about "Shooting" and "Bagging" a moose.


News of the Lumberjack trainee spread around the area, while Lorimer went in search of his next victim. High up in the trees he spotted an eagle which he started hurling insults at. "Get some hair baldy", "Advanced hair, yeah yeah"...on he went until realising that American's wouldn't appreciate finding out he'd "Bagged" their national emblem.


He couldn't stop, despite all the WARNEing signs. But the puns were just too easy to come by.

The jokes got more and more hairendous and the eagle told him to cut it out or else he'd be headed for serious stubble. "You really need to brush up on your puns" Lorimer quipped before heading to the safety of a car.


Moments later while traveling down the road a piercing sound shattered the quiet country air. Andrew looked back in disbelief as the rear window of the car was shattered. Forensic experts are baffled at how the back window got shattered. Most agree that the only animal capable of the speed required to do this is a FALCON. Ruling out Lorimer's eagle theory.


What do you call a guy who makes vases and doesn't shave?

Hairy Potter


After that close SHAVE, the boys did a few DONUTS and HEADed back out to the road, the THINNING traffic a sign they were venturing further into the wild.


Lorimer was nervous and it was a good thing he was feeling awfully small at this point as this was the only urinal at Taco Bell. This seemed like the perfect hideout for Andrew, dirt cheap prices and non existent hygiene standards!


But out of nowhere he was given a reprieve. Two locals offered him a place to hideout until the ruffled feathers had been taken care of.

After listening to hours of deerpressing moosic Andrew couldn't bear it anymore. He had to get out and find some better protection.


Despite the bargain price this clearly this wasn't big enough for the job. Lorimer went searching elsewhere.


He needed something bigger!


With the new protection in place Lorimer gained the confidence to step back outside and explore Alaska. He still took all the necessary precautions. It is said that if you tuck your socks into your pants it stops animals picking up your scent, and when you have a cent like Andrew, people start calling it a dollar!

The animals were at a loss, but the wise old owl suggested that "if we can't find him, we'll let him find us"


The animals found Lorimer's weakness. Lots of food, bargain prices and Pride.

Babe the pig willingly sacrificing himself for the cause. 'Operation Waddle' was underway.

After ordering the 'standard' size from the menu Lorimer was immediately questioned by the waiter. "Do you know how big that is?". 'Do I know how big it is', he laughed to himself, confirming his order and feeling offended that he would even be asked such a question.

News travels slow in Alaska and apparently they hadn't heard of his record breaking pasta consumption at Anton's in Canada. But then out came the breakfast which looked like all of Old McDonald's farm had suddenly died and been served on a plate.


Lorimer got to this point and all looked lost. He needed to compose himself and went for a short walk to gather his thoughts. The words from the waiter rang in his ears "Do you know how big it is?". That was enough, Lorimer stepped back up to the plate, cleared all the bases and was now loaded with food.


Mission accomplished...and just in case you don't know who I am, here is my pen from Anton's

The animals couldn't believe it. Not only did Lorimer finish the job but he was still walking around. The chickens had been saving up for weeks for this project and when they heard the news they cracked it! "So much for putting all your eggs in one basket", Mother Hen complained. "Oh Shut up and quit your scrambling", Babe's mother squealed, reminding the hen about her son who fried in vain. "No wonder they call you 'chicken', we lay down our lives and you lay some pathetic eggs. Talk about having it over easy..."

On and on they went as the wise old Owl explain to the others their backup plan. Church.


Lorimer sat through the service and was invited to join the congregation for a potluck, (church lunch) where everyone has bought a dish to share. The scent of Meryl's famous stew was intoxicating and the delicious little sandwiches stood side by side, courageously awaiting their fate. The perfect plan. Not only was it a buffet, but it was completely FREE.

'Operation Waddle' looked set for success. With potato and egg still lodged halfway up his windpipe from that mornings breakfast Andrew politely refused the free lunch and headed back to his hideout.

Not even the wise old owl could comprehend this happening and while all the animals stood around imitating the stunned mullet, Andrew made his escape.


Safely back at his hideout, Andrew was told of their plans by his informANT.

Immediately he began plotting his counter attack. Building this spike suit to disguise himself as a porcupine (no echidnas up here) . This job was too big for a Monotreme, it required a.... MonoXtreme


What do you call a Christmas Tree wrapped in Bacon? A porcuipine


It also required funding from some wealthy tourists and Andrew went sail knocking from Yatch to Yatch pleading for donations to the "Lorimer Wildlife Protection Fund", or as it should have been worded, the "Protect Lorimer from Wildlife Fund"


Donations came in by the thousands and "Projects" commenced rapidly.

This popular project was given the name "Beaver Flats Logging" which some are saying should have been called "Logging Beavers Flat".


This project was referred to as the "Bear Weight Management Scheme"


This was just called fishing!

Lorimer was told to hold the Salmon out in front of him to make it look bigger.


The Salmon community was gutted and went into spawning. Andrew in the meantime was working hard at getting his picture on the front page for what he claimed was a 7ft King Salmon. He phoned the Alaskan Times to share his accomplishment.

However, the interview turned into an interrogation after Lorimer responded to the question "What tackle did you use?" with, "Just those regular ones you see at the football".

After getting vague responses to many of her questions the frustrated interviewer asked, "Do you even know where you caught it?" to which Lorimer replied, "Alaska".

"I'll ask her" she replied, indignantly. Failing to understand his accent.

"Why don't you ask her what a truck sounds like when it's reversing" she yelled and then slammed down the phone.


With no chance of making the front page for his feats of manliness, Lorimer decided it was time to head back to Springfield.


He thanked Eric and Jamie for their brilliant hospitality and a place to lay low.

Maybe he would get a chance to impress the people of Missouri...If nothing else at least he knew he'd have a cool accent.


Andrew's opportunity came immediately when he saw a skunk innocently roaming the streets. Knowing that a skunk couldn't possibly make him smell any worse he chased it onto a patch of grass. There the skunk held its ground and Lorimer approached timidly reaching forward to take photos and then backing away as the skunk moved closer.

Andrew wanted to frighten the skunk into dropping a stink bomb but every time he got close the skunk would hold its ground leaving Andrew to slowly back away. The skunk would then run a few steps and back away. This cycle continued until Andrew decided he didn't want to make use of his $260 rabies shot and left the skunk alone.

His chance to become a man eluding him once more.
Will he accomplish the impossible in Springfield?

Love Andrew,


PS: What do you call a bunch of rabbits with mixo? Hair loss!
PPS: I didn't eat the bacon